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Specialization: Spousal Abandonment
Divorce, Spousal Abandonment, Grief, Guilt, Anger, Depression and Loneliness

Spousal abandonment occurs when a marriage breakup is initiated by one partner (the leaver) suddenly, without just cause, and without warning as perceived by the other partner (the leavee). Often these marriages are long term (10 or more years) and have every outward appearance of having a long and happy future ahead of them. Before the breakup, the leavee together with friends and family may consider the marriage to be generally normal and perhaps even exceptionally happy. Such breakups are also known as "sudden endings." Unfortunately they are becoming more and more common for reasons sociologists are not yet able to explain.

Since marriage involves multiple dimensions -- identity, trust, family, spirituality, community and law in addition to expectations about the future, dreams, planning and investments both emotional and financial -- suddenly abandoned spouses sometimes describe their loss as being even more painful than the death of a loved one. Sudden abandonment without just cause involves a leaver's deceit, betrayal, the breaking of solemn vows, a lack of concern for the welfare of the leavee, and most frequently a lack of remorse. Abandoned spouses grieve deeply and experience a range of emotions including anger, loss of trust, fear, anxiety and depression over long periods of time. The timeline for "leavees" to heal from sudden endings is typically longer than that for mutual breakups, and many times longer than the readjustment time needed by "leavers."

Support for suddenly abandoned spouses is severely lacking in society at large and in the psychological help community. The depth and complexity of injury is frequently underestimated by friends, family and helping professionals who may not understand that abandoned spouses have a great deal more to handle than either the abandoning spouse or partners of a mutual marriage breakup. Not infrequently, the hurt is compounded by the misguided blame of children and other family members who view the "leaver" as a type of "winner" while the "leavee" is considered a type of "loser" who is therefore, somehow, more at fault for the breakup. People whom the abandoned spouse previously considered mutual friends during the marriage often abandon the "leavee," as well, as if they don't want to catch some sort of communicable "loser" disease, thus compounding the emotional pain. Many married couples are reluctant even to acknowledge that a sudden ending could be possible without guilt by both parties.

While good friends, family and even churches can offer support for a time, most abandoned spouses find themselves continuing to have trouble over a period of years while receiving "advice" which is both unhelpful and inappropriate -- such as, "It's time to just get over it. You've got to move on with your life," or, "You must have done something. After all, it takes two to break up a marriage," or, "There are always two sides to a story."

In fact, it does take two to make a marriage work. But it only takes one to destroy it. It's not that poor advice or contextually demeaning platitudes are badly intended; it's just that most people don't understand the depth, scope or complexity of such an event and, in any case, are neither in a position to offer sustained or effective help nor possess the necessary skills and experience.

If you are the "leavee" of a long term marriage that was suddenly ended by your spouse, and you are experiencing continuing pain and difficulties from the event, I invite you to contact me and explore how I can help you with NLP Training, Coaching and Therapy, either in person or by phone.

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Additional Resources:

Article: "Beware the runaway husband", Jan 24, 2008, Rebecca Dube reporting on MSW Vikki Stark's research and book-in-progress about husbands who suddenly abandon their wives.

Vikki Stark's web site: www.runawayhusbands.com.